Lori's Random Thoughts

Monday, March 20, 2006

Reflections

A girl I went to school with died last Thursday. She overdosed on sleeping pills, but no one is sure if it was accidental or intentional. I suspect it was intentional, because she still seemed very upset about her brother's suicide a few years ago. There is also a rumor that she had miscarried a pregnancy and was very depressed about it. Either way, I know of 4 parents (two bio and two step) that must be devastated by the loss of their second child.

As I reflected last night on the events that may have led her to do what she did, I started feeling really guilty, because as she was dying, I was worried about birthday cakes and party plans.

She and I weren't close. I don't know why I felt guilty. It isn't like I could do anything to change her mind and I think it was very egotistical of me to pretend that I could. And why should I feel guilty for worrying about our celebration of life? My daughter was having her first birthday party. She has a long future and lots of hope ahead of her.

So Trina makes #6 out of our high school class that is gone from this world. It makes me want to gather up those I love and hold them tightly and not let go.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Jealousy

Lately Patrick and I have really been struggling to make ends meet. It is no one's fault but our own, but it sucks nonetheless. Neither of us are so materialistic that we feel like we need the latest flatscreen television or ATV or computer. We don't wear high-end clothing. It's just not our style. But we would like to take an expensive vacation every couple of years and buy something really nice for each other or the girls occasionally. So this not having money thing really wears on us.

We went to the wedding of a friend's sister last weekend. I was already self-conscious because it was black-tie and I didn't feel super attractive under all this skin. My shoes weren't comfortable. We had both girls with us. My hair was frizzing out. Then I heard, "Yeah, I just made my first million last weekend." It was my friend's husband chatting with one of his buddies. I knew they were doing well. I just didn't realize it was that well. And for some reason I'm having a really hard time not feeling like I'm in a completely different social class now.

I barely want to speak to her anymore. I'm jealous. I'm embarrassed. I'm a moron.

I keep getting these e-mails reminding me to count my blessings in life because I may have something that they really want and can't have.

Well, I have my daughter. And I wouldn't trade her for all the money in the world. But they can't NOT have kids. They just haven't tried yet. It kind of sounds like they have it all. I'm the dummy who can't look past all of it.